PRESS RELEASE

Revolutionary Consciousness Segmentation Brings Fiction to Reality

FREMONT, CA – Neuralink Corporation today announced the launch of Full Self-Driving™ (FSD) for humans, alongside an exclusive partnership with Apple TV+’s “Severance” to deliver work-life consciousness separation.

“Why waste consciousness on your commute when your body can navigate itself?” said Elon Musk, Neuralink CEO. “This is the future humanity deserves.”

Neuralink FSD Features:

Autonomous Navigation: Bodies proceed to destinations while consciousness engages elsewhere

SmartQueue™: Automatic execution of routine tasks

Living Legacy™: Seamless experience continuity for mortality-independent users (Premium Plus only)

Apple TV+ Partnership

The “Severance Experience Package” allows complete partition of work and personal neural patterns.

“What was once dystopian fiction is now liberating reality,” said Ben Stiller, Executive Producer. “Season 3 will feature actual severed employees as extras – they won’t even know they’re on camera!”

Pricing (November 1, 2025 launch):

  • Basic ($999/month): Simple navigation
  • Premium Plus ($2,999/month): Consciousness backup, post-mortem functionality
  • Severance Suite ($4,999/month): Complete work-life neural partition

Key Metrics:

  • 387% increase in “productive” hours
  • 67% of test subjects report “feeling nothing, which is an improvement”

Side effects may include: existential dread, autonomous shopping addiction, and persistent navigation after biological cessation.

Limited Promotion: First 10,000 customers receive complimentary “Music Dance Experience” motor programs and beta access to “Overtime Contingency” (your Innie works while your Outie sleeps).

Neuralink: Because consciousness is just another software problem™

Disclaimer: This is a work of parody. Neuralink cannot actually control deceased humans, Severance is fiction, and consciousness remains non-transferable. Any resemblance to actual dystopian futures is purely coincidental. Please think responsibly.